I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
