He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Randomize
