Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I just had sex on a roof
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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