You're so nebulous sometimes
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
