I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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