everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Everything about him screamed your future.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
