Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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