oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
