dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
