Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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