So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
