I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
