Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
