i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
