I need to stop coming to work sober
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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