he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
