the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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