I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
