If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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