I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
