never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
