I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
