It's a beautiful day for a hangover
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
