Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
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