the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
