Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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