I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize
