Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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