Somerville?? What the hell are you going to do there?
Watch a movie and have sloppy make outs OBVI. 45 Harris St. in case I die.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Randomize
