a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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