I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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