Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
