you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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