if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Randomize
