while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
