we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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