my vag is so smooth its legendary
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
