i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
