Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
