If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
