Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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