there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
