Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
