i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize
