so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
