Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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