I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
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