i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Randomize
