I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
