What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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