I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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