i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
