Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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