I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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